Thursday, May 18, 2006

jokes for a change

i read the world of fat 4 joke on girl doing cartwheel without panties, reminded me of some jokes, which i copied some many years ago.

One Christmas, Johnny received a bicycle with so much happiness he went outside to ride it and pulled up on a stop sign next to a cop on a horse. The Cop said "did santa bring that bicycle for you".Johnny replies"why yes he did sir".Cop responds"well next time have Santa bring you reflectors".The cop thens writes him a citation but before leaving Johnny goes up to the cop and say's"did Santa bring that horse for you".The cop just playing around says"why yes he did".Johnny replies"well next time tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse not on top"

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?" the parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen. The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick" their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats. On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again ther kid came in and said "whats that mean?" the mom said thats was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!

John had been saving to buy a motorcycle for a long time. Now he had enough to get one, so he went down to the sales lot to pick one out. After makeing the deal, the salesman tells him " If it rains, make sure you coat the bike with vasoline to keep it from rusting up." and gives John a jumbo size jar. Well, John stops at a bar on his way home and meets a girl. After a few drinks, they decide to go back to her place. As they are getting off the bike the girl says " I should mention that we have a rule at my house. Whoever speaks first, has to wash all the dirty dishes." He agrees and follows her inside. Once inside, the house rule takes on a new meaning, as John see's that there are dishes stacked as high as possible on every table in the house. Determined to make someone else speak first, John grabs his new girlfriend and forces his will on her right there in front of her mother and father! But no one said a word. So John grabs her mother and forces his will on her right there in front of his new girlfriend, and her father! But still no one said a word! Just then there was a clap of thunder and the first few drops of rain started to fall. Remembering what the salesman had told him, John reached in his pocket and pulled out the jar of Vasoline. And the father yelled "Wait! Stop! You Win! You Win!"

One night, a little boy named Jonny got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. He walks into his parents room along the way and sees the bed going up and down. So he says "Daddy, waht are you doing?"The Father replies, "PLaying cards Jonny.""With who?""Mommy." So the little boy continues down the hall and he walks into his sisters room and he sees the bed going up and down. So again, Jonny asks, "What are you doing?"The sister says,"PLaying cards Jonny""With who?""My boyfriend."So Jonny continuse down the hall, goes to the bathroom, and goes back to bed. A little while later, the father says to the Mother, "Im gonna go check on Jonny, you know, he walked in on us." So he goes down the hall into Jonny's room and he sees the bed going up and down. He yells, "Jonny, what the hell are you doing?""PLyaing Cards daddy." Jonny replies."With who?""You dont need anyone to play cards with if you have a good hand."

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . ." Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god !! " Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. Yes," the photographer said, "and for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I had to rush. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, ah....equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

3 comments:

Ah Pek said...

barger you.. people one post tell one joke. you one post tell 6 jokes. somemore all long long ones.

ducky said...

short jokes where got kick wan, must zig zag a bit before give punch line mah, like taiko wingz always need to scrool down wan.

Inevitable said...

Hahaha. I read them before but it is still as entertaining